So depressed, any advice please?

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So depressed, any advice please?

Postby NeverEnds » 04 Jul 2012, 05:58

So I've posted previously on here, and now i'm back again :-(
Had a fistula caused by chronic fissure, had the fistula surgery to lay it open and heal by itself. That was September 2011. Since then my recovery has not been great, basically i kept healing up, then someone would go wrong and i'd have blood with my BM. All my CRS's (I had my NHS guy and paid for a top private CRS to have a look) have concluded 'some people take longer to heal than others'.
About a month an a half ago I made a change to my already healthy + fibre rich diet which I found finally took away my concerns about my BM's and have had no problems since then!
Then this morning for no reason I can understand, I had a really difficult BM that was clearly hard and has torn me down below, most likely where I had the surgery. Blood was apparent on the tissue, and after today's second BM (I have two a day like clockwork) the blood was worse.
I've clearly got a cut, most likely from the site of the surgery. I can't do any more diet wise, and I just don't get why my body has done this to me. I drink huge amounts of water each day, I don't understand why it was so hard this morning and mow I'm back to square one again.
I'm so depressed about this, I don't have the words. It's totally ruined my life and if it weren't for family that care, I'm not sure i'd still be here. It sounds melodramatic but honestly I just feel like I have no options, no way of getting over this and no way to plan for a future.
My concern is not the blood or the pain (which is very mild) but the possibility of the fistula reoccuring, which can happen if it doesn't heal right.
I can't believe it's almost been a year since the surgery and I'm in exactly the same state.
If anyone has any advise, for mental well-being about coping with this, diet (though I can't see what more I can do in this respect!) or more surgery, or anyone that's has a fistula recur after surgery, please let me hear from you.
I'm at my wits end and easily the lowest at any point during my life.
Thank you
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby julesy » 04 Jul 2012, 13:37

You poor thing. Whether recovering from a fistula or fissure an unusual bm is cause for panic and worry. You are understandably assuming the worst, that you have return the original wound, chances are you have probably tweaked something that will heal itself. You have said that you already have a healthy diet, continue with that and something like lactolose. If your latest set back doesn't improve, go and see your crs. Let's face it, the majority have ended up with acute conditions because we didn't deal with the original problem for a long time. Keep your chin up and try and think positively. Good luck
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby cherylk » 04 Jul 2012, 14:52

Sometimes taking (or going on) an A/D can help in times like these to help keep things in perspective.
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby jr2 » 04 Jul 2012, 16:07

The mental anguish of these problems is as hard to cope with as the physical. On the doctor or surgery front, it's really hard from here to know what to suggest since you've been to different doctors, but I wonder if another opinion might be worth a try? We've had people here who have been to 4 or 5 doctors before finding one who could really help.
On the diet front, it seems like you've got this pretty well in hand. As mentioned above, I don't know if you use something on a regular basis to keep stools soft, but if not it would be worth adding that to your regimen. No one's bowel movements are absolutely perfect every day, and especially in the presence of anal pain, so please don't feel like this is some failing on your part or on your body's part.
Mentally, it is critical you find something to help you. Your healing will only be hindered more by the depression. Activities that you enjoy to divert your mind are essential. Reading, watching movies, listening to calming music, any kind of hobby you enjoy, etc. Even if you really don't want to, just do something. Once pain and despair have coupled themselves together you become sort of hard wired in a feedback loop and you just keep going around in circles. Counseling may help you as well if you feel you are unable to cope on your own.
We're here when you need to vent, and I hope you are able to have healing relief soon. Please keep us posted!
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby cherylk » 04 Jul 2012, 18:18

Mentally, it is critical you find something to help you. Your healing will only be hindered more by the depression. Activities that you enjoy to divert your mind are essential. Reading, watching movies, listening to calming music, any kind of hobby you enjoy, etc. Even if you really don't want to, just do something. Once pain and despair have coupled themselves together you become sort of hard wired in a feedback loop and you just keep going around in circles. Counseling may help you as well if you feel you are unable to cope on your own.
This is very, very true!!
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby NeverEnds » 06 Jul 2012, 04:06

Thanks to everyone that's replied. I'm in a much better place now. I think it was mostly the shock of realising I was back to square one when it - finally - seemed things were getting back to some sort of normality.
Doctors wise, I don't think there's much that can be done. My sister has similar issues in this area and it seems we've basically been given rather small, how to put this nicely, exits? down there so short of surgery to widen me down there which carries obvious major risks and no doctors are recommending for me, the best I can do is put up with it for the long term.
I did try a stool softener - one called Dulcoease (i'm in the UK) - but this did not work out well for me. Basically one day after using it, I nearly soiled myself for the first time in my life as I was on my daily commute with no way access to a toilet and when i got to work, did a lot of damage to myself down there due to holding it in.
I'd love to have something I could take daily that ensured softening, but I've been really put off after that incident. Might mean I could actually consider normal foods again too!
I am trying to stay positive, although so busy with work right now the movies and fun stuff will have to wait til next week :-(
I think the worst thing about this condition is the constant ups and downs. You can adjust to something bad over time, but it's having a return to "normality" dangling in front of me, then having it dashed periodically that's so hard to deal with.
Also seems to be the most awkward place to need surgery, pretty much the only time surgeons can't stitch you up afterwards which just compounds my fears of something going really wrong there again.
But a big thank you to this site and the people who've gotta in touch, it's a huge relief to know others understand how it feels. Thank god for the internet!
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Re: So depressed, any advice please?

Postby Ever the Optimist » 06 Jul 2012, 12:31

Hi Neverends,
I'm 2.5 weeks post fistula surgery and prior to that was dealing with a fissure too, plus painful piles. It got to the point where I took the Anti-Depressant option because I just simply couldn't cope mentally with it all. It totally overwhelmed me....Best move I made as I feel I can mentally deal with almost anything now!...Glad to hear you are in a better place now and just stay positive... :D
You know you face ups and downs, so just accept it's all part of it and there will be bad days in the healing process along with the good...
I'm also in the UK and use Lactulose, which I've been assured is safe to use long-term. I take 2 x 15 ml doses a day (one after breakfast and one after evening meal) I also take a tablespoon of olive oil just before I go to bed and I have to say (touch wood) I have not had a bad BM in months. My morning BM is soft and toothpaste like. If I have a later BM (normally after lunch or early eve) I ensure I have been drinking loads of water and eating loads of fruit in between breakfast and then, so also generally get a nice soft movement. I admit to squatting too on the loo because everything comes out more smoothly and also completely....
Are you getting enough fibre in too? Try a sachet of Fibogel followed by a glass of water to "bulk" things up a bit but counteract with lactulose and/or oil to keep that bulk soft but not runny...Just some thoughts.....
I will continue to do so as I really don't want my fissure to return and for my fistula to heal well and well, just get my bum back to normal again!!!....Have to agree it must be one of the worst places on your body to be affected. Healing is so slow and we're constantly aware of the risk of infection etc etc...Such a pain!!!
People do get there though and heal and get through it all so that's just what we have to remember!!
Hopefully you are already back en route to full recovery and wishing you all the best with it all x
Chronic Fissure diagnosed December 2011
Healed by Diltiazem around Feb 2013
Anal Fistula followed burst abscess in June 2012
2 internal troublesome piles remain & suspected, but undiagnosed, ongoing Levator Ani type symptoms & flare-ups
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