I just feel like venting..
I'm so sick of living in fear of having a BM. What's even more ridiculous about it is that I'm currently not having any painful BM's... I just get this fear in my head like "is this BM going to be the one that tears me?" Or "did I drink enough water today? I sure hope I don't have a hard BM!" ... I would just LOVE to go one whole day without thinking about my bum!
The end.

I hear you! In time....

And here I am again... I have my external hemmies flare up again. I'm pretty convinced it's due to finally having the courage to be intimate with my husband, which has confirmed my right to be fearful of it. Basically the following day I was having a soreness in my bum. Then when trying to have a BM it was hurting more than usual. Not broken glass hurting, but like "my fissure is healed and I'm about to tear it right back open" kind of pain.

I haven't seen any blood at all and where the pain is, I did have a fissure there, but I cannot see it anymore, I just see a lot of purple little bulges (hemmies)....so I'm thinking maybe it's just hemmie pain? I'm not sure. The pain lingers but doesn't necessarily get severe, but it does cause a soreness in my anal area, and i do feel it when I sneeze or cough I want to believe it's just a hemmie flare up but sadly it is probably my fissure, which is probably deep inside so I cannot see it. Ugh. I'm pretty disappointed today. I also just bought my first home and I'm working on a job transfer, so there are a lot of big stressors going on in my life. I'm taking a nice hot bath right now hoping to feel better again soon . The sad part is that I don't have the courage to let the doctor look inside my bum, so who knows if my fissure is chronic and only showing intermittent pain. Who knows.. Blah. This sucks. Back to nifedipine and heating pads.

So sorry to hear that your feeling some pain. It's hard waiting for enough healing before getting back to normal life. Hopefully it is only a minor aggravation.
I too am wondering when I can be intimate again with my partner. These dumb bottom problems affect so much of our lives but I think if you read back you are making progress.
Sounds like some major stresses going on in your life, I hope you are able to find some joy and excitement in moving house and the job transfer too.
Keep nursing your toosh and you will be back to moving forward again.

So sorry to hear of the flare up. Do you have any pain during sex, like vaginal pain or tightness? Makes me wonder if you have issues with your pelvic floor muscles...

Hopefully, thank you for your reply.

Msimon, yes I usually feel very tight down there. And yes I do feel pain. Normally I can't be intimate for very long because it hurts. It's hard to explain but ya.. Also, I'm at work and just had my second BM for the day... OUCH!! I feel sore in 2 places! I think it's definitely fissure pain, I think I'm just going to go on with my life like this and then in a year or 2 if I still cannot fully heal, I will opt for surgery. And maybe in the mean time, I'll research for a really good doctor to perform the surgery.

Are you using one of the fissure ointments?

What about seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist or pain specialist. Are you in the U.S? That tightness sounds so much like my troubles. Being in pain all the time down there causes it as we clench in response. I don't think I would have healed without physio, even after the surgery...

I'm using nifedipine, and yes I am in the US. I probably should look into the pelvic floor specialist because I've always wondered why I feel like a Virgin every time I am intimate (unless I am consistent with the intimacy, which with two kids now is pretty impossible)

Good news is that I drank a ton of water and didn't eat a ton of food, used a heating pad like you had suggested for me before (easier to use a heating pad than take a sitz bath) took my miralax last night and this morning my BM only hurt for a very short time. Yay!

And once again, here I am! Another month and another hard BM later, I am not sure if I re-tore but I definitely felt a stretching, if not tearing inside of my bum. Now it's sore and I called out of work because I didn't feel like being on my feet all day with pain/ discomfort. This is all entirely my fault though, I did not drink enough water the other day and even though I took MiraLAX at night, because of my lack of water in my body it created a hard BM. I just bought a home and have been doing a lot of painting and it gets hot and my skin tags down there start to feel irritated. Usually after a shower I can get them to stop bothering me. Now I am just trying to feel ok and not do further damage. I wonder if I even tore, but I guess if I pass another stool I will know for sure depending on the pain I end up feeling. With relocating my family, starting my new job and not being fully moved in, my routines have been entirely destroyed ( it hasn't been easy to keep up)..anyway that's my rant for the day.

Today has been the worst. 3 BM so far and that's because of my anxiety, ends up causing me to not fully evacuate my stool. I am home from work, finally took another BM and it all came out. Unfortunately the pain came at me immediately like a raging bull my legs were shaking, I could hardly move myself. Slowly I made my way into the bathtub and filled it with hot water and Epsom salt. It hurts to pee, pass wind, stand, sit, everything! ...I have Stopped nursing my baby (for different reasons) but it just proved that my af was not related to me nursing in any way. I am now thinking that my bum hole is just too tight, and if I don't drink enough water and take my miralax nightly, I will end up like my name..suffering badly... Welp, I have the next 3 days off work. I hope and pray this will feel better by Wednesday. Ugh.