OK, now I have to share the story about my mucus episode to make Jan laugh - although I never intended to share this embarrassing episode with anybody
!
Once upon a time when I had my first fissure I tried so hard to do everything "by the book" or better say "books" and pooping became scientific process and my bathroom THE LAB ! One of the steps in a protocol was to poop, wash, have the soak and than check the anus for any miraculous changes. Days passed without any miracles or any unusual events for that matter until one morning I saw IT. "It" was brownish, translucent , gelatinous substance on my anus. "What a heck", I exclaimed looking for q-tip in semi- panicked state! I squat again above the mirror - now with magnifying side staring in my butt and touched "It" slowly and with caution, like "It" might jump on me and imbibe in my skin like some alien creature . As a biologist I saw my share of all kinds of mucus, plant produced or of animal origin, grew slime in petrie dish, saw things oozing from different organs during numerous dissections , even found amusing to play with gunky kind of mushroom that I found - but NOTHING like "It" !!! I nervously looked for suitable container for the specimen and only thing that was on hand was a water bottle cap. So, I placed "It" in the cap, added a few drops of water to keep "It" moist and with care covered "It" with "Cling-on" foil.
I was disgusted and at awe at the asme time - what could "It" be ??? Maybe it is the answer to my plight - maybe it is a colony of some amoebas or other creatures that are living in my colon and making trouble (AKA fissures) ??? I called my GP immediately and she told me to take "It" to the lab. "Yaaaaaayyy" , I thought, now we are talking business.
I took "It" to the lab and didn't really care about strange looks I got from the technicians - what they know anyway - pfffffffft ! Left my "alien" there and happily went back home, happy that I caught "It" and happy that it is not in my home any more. Than waiting began .... preliminary results would be known by afternoon. Tick-tock, tick -tock ..tick-tock.. oh, when will that phone ring, damn it !!! And than, in the middle of my 12th cup of tea it rang! OK - Calm down Fissy !"Hello, Fissy speaking"...yes....OK...OK...so?...yes...ahm..Oh, thank you very much. Have a nice one yourself ! " The results were "inconclusive" - they did not see anything unusual BUT they did not know what it was !!! OK, now com onnnn !!! That was special "It" - I had my hopes so high , you can not just dismiss my "It" for god's sake !!!!
My GP, bless her heart, wanted to calm me down and ordered poop collection for the 3 consecutive days and pieces of it distributed in special flasks with bio-hazard markings on them. Well, that was not fun - yack - what did I pull myself into - poop picking and poking -gross - eewwww- all
of the sudden "It" lost all of its charm, I wished I flushed "It" down like the rest of my poops before! And, so it happens that technician knew me by name by the third day and I wondered how he could handle my bio-hazard and eat chicken vindaloo at the same time - still wonder ...
My poop was examined methodically and some poor gal had to mix and match it in some other lab and after all of that hustle and bustle no aliens were found of any kind and my "It" was declared as "mucus" and so here it is- all black on white - it was ....nothing .
Jen,
, I hope Jen will find it too before she goes to sleep ! LOL
Have nice dreams Jen, and take one day at the time - that is the only way we can stay sane 
