Worrier, it brings tears to my eyes reading your posts. I dont wanna seem like a bad person, but it does help knowing that I'm not the only person in the world struggling with the mental side of having a fissure. I havent had the surgery yet, but am hopefully getting it done in about three weeks. I feel like the world doesnt make sense anymore, even if I have a good day I keep all my focus on my butt.. Thinking it will never be the way it used to be. I cry for hours every day, thinking this will never end.. and it doesnt help when the doctors/surgeons dont listen.
Not much advice from me, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this struggle. I hope you hang in there.
I highly recommend something for your anxiety. Valium works for me when I'm at my lowest.

Hi worrier.

Im sorry you are having such troubles, but try not to make your whole life revolve around things you can't control.
Untill you get your checkup in January, you can't be sure it's really as bad as you think, and even if it is a full-blown keyhole deformity, there are procedures to fix it, like Sphincteroplasty.

Please do not give up, and remember you can choose your attitude!

I'm wishing the best for you.

JHH

Thank you all for your replies.

JHH - I'm sorry but I just can't get over this. I can't walk anywhere without stool leaking out of the incision site. It's maddeningly itchy and just plays on my mind. I can't go out of the house - I have to check for soiling every 10 mins. I don't know how to manage it. I've bought calmoseptine but it doesn't really help as the stool just collects in the folds all around the anal opening. I seem to have caused hemmoroid problem and the fissure isn't healing because I'm trying to keep my stool dry to reduce the leakage. I even bought an enema bulb but I don't really know how to go.about using it.

It's xmas, and I'm driving my family and girlfriend to despair. They just want to help and have a happy xmas, but I just feel sick with regret. Alternating between abject misery and anger. I'm no fun to be around but they are scared to leave me on my own. I am just making everything worse for myself and for them. I am trying to stay positive as I know it is the only way to deal with this situation - but I am just not that kind of person. And I cannot take the day to day realities of living with feacal leakage in my early 30s. I feel like I've lost all hope along with my mind and my dignity. I just want to be alone, but it's impossible. I want people's help, but I don't know how they can. My life had just become a terrible mess.

What's worse, is that I keep coming on here to whine. I'm sorry. All I do is moan about my situation to anyone who will listen and then apologise. It's a pathetic state to be in.

Please don't feel sorry about writing here. This is the right place to unload, and I wish we can help you get through this.
But please remember, there are still hope things will get better!

Worrier, Also consider this.

IF you have a deformity, and time doesn't help, there are procedures to correct the problem.
IF these procesures for some reason are unsuccessful, there is a last resort: Colostomy bag. This will give you your life back!
Yes, it's not a plesant thought at your age, but I know a guy living this way, and he is more outgoing than me, and still does sports etc. Not much has changed in his life.

You will beat this one way or another!

JHH

Self centered, no. This is where you speak to people with the same problems. Everyone is worried about themself, this is about your life and nothing is worse than pain and other problems that will give you big living issues. Nothing gets more into me then reading about your fights to get well enough to live an normal life. It is so sad.....

Thanks for your replies.

I haven't been on here in a couple of weeks, despair took control of me for a while and I'm still struggling off and on.

Physically, there has been no change really. It's been 2 months since the op and the LIS incision site is still a "groove" which lets stool seep out all day after a BM. It's still impossible to clean up properly after a BM due to this, unless I have a mirror and wet wipes.

I have still not seen my surgeon - my follow up appointment has now been put back to the end of January.

Fortunately I have discovered something that helps me get through most days: using a small enema syringe bulb after every BM. I fill it up with a little lukewarm tap water - squirt it up and release - this stops the leaking throughout the day. Unfortunately, my BMs are not as predictable as they used to be - so I can't count at being at home to do this each time, and so I still have to deal with the leakage some days and use this method when I get home.

I am still trying to work through the huge amount of regret I have over opting for the surgery, it crosses my mind every few minutes and I feel like a fool for pushing for LIS.

I'm not sure whether it's safe to use the enema thing as I am, 1 or 2 times a day. I have had no medical guidance. My GP just prescribed me some anti-depressants and said that if doing that improves my quality of life then just keep doing it.

In my mind it is something I will have to do for the rest of my life.

Also, I haven't had blood since just after the op but I don't think my fissure has healed either.