Dear Juney,
Im so sorry juney.I really feel for you.It is unfair and u dont deserve it.But please please get help since you are feeling so low.As kim has mentioned,please try to find a good doctor.why dont you find out from others on this board whom they recommend.not sure where u live.Dont give up now.There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please dont throw up ur food juney.you need good nutrition and tabby has mentioned the risks.
Please talk to someone.
You are in my prayers

unfortunately i always post when i feel the most despair. it sucks b/c i do have good days here and there, but don't bother to post when i'm having a good day b/c i'm superstitious and feel like i'll wreck something faster than it would get wrecked anyway.
i do have supportive friends and family (away from the internet) who know about my mental anguish and physical pain. my mom also knows about the bulimia and has been encouraging me to stop puking.
i know i have some serious mental problems as a result of all this butt sh*t. i've let it control me for so long. i know other people deal better with this but it's just gotten the best of me. i'm definitely optimistic about the combo of therapy and medication.
anyway i'm sorry my posts are sporadic and completely depressing. i'll try to post more optimistic every once in awhile.

juney wrote: b/c i'm superstitious and feel like i'll wreck something faster than it would get wrecked anyway.

We all feel that way Juney...
Take care :)

No, don't apologize Juney, that's what we're here for! Just don't scare us too badly, I was seriously considering hari-kiri watch! :)
Sometimes we ALL need that padded cell for a while!
Glad you do have some good days to break up that foul perspective!

I hope you can stop that bulimia soon, Juney. I recently read some stuff about mental outlook affecting physical pain. I think I will try to paraphrase it for you and some of the others. It is what I had always believed for a long time, but now I read it in print in a book.

Juney et al,
Here goes with the paraphrasing:
There is a vicious cycle. We feel pain for our physical debility, that pain amplifies our sense of hopelessness, the less hopeful we feel, the fewer endorphins and enkephalins we release, the more pain we experience due to these neurochemicals, and the less able we are to feel hope. To break that cycle is key. It can be broken by the first spark of hope: Hope sets off a chain reaction. Hope tempers pain, and as we sense less pain, that feeling of hope expands, which further reduces pain. As pain subsides, a significant obstacle to enduring a harsh but necessary therapy is removed.
From the book Anatomy of Hope by Jerome Groopman. I would highly recommend reading it.

Cheryl !
Glad you have the support Juney, its what will get you through this ..

thanks for the info cheryl...that completely makes sense b/c i see that cycle in myself and many others dealing with long-term pain.
i still with daily soreness 6-8 hours after BM, but nothing bad enough to rush me to the dr. i've had quite a few days of feeling good, marred by another bad day recently. i have an appt w/ new specialist out of town next month. i may let him poke and prod a little to see what's going on, but we'll see how i feel. will probably rip me a new one like they all do. f*@# drs.
i've doubled the wellbutrin and the OTC pain meds and am hoping that combo enables me to forget about the annoying pain and get back the hopeful feeling i've been missing for so long.
on another note, i haven't binged and purged since last friday, so that's progress i suppose. i've also gained 5 lbs in the past few months. damn.

Juney -
It is so nice to hear you a little more upbeat about things. I am so glad you are seeing a new CRS soon - thats great news! Let me know what happens with that!
I hope all is well and don't feel bad about gaining 5 lbs - I am sure you still have the cutest little figure!

I know how hard it can be, Juney. I am glad you have some good days and you can hold on to those when things seems hopeless.
I do worry about your concern over gaining 5 pounds since you stopped purging. Your body needs some reserves to fight this and be healthy. I had an eating disorder for 7 years so I understand how it is. Is your bulimia more in response to your fissure/butt problems or life in general/coping mechanism or body issue problems? You don't have to answer I just want to make sure you are talking to your therapist about all of this.