My sweet Lecia, you made me cry because it is exactly how it is this school year with me. I didn't have a chance to go to pick up my younger daughter even ONCE, and that concert was first thing I saw at her school. I didn't attend any of events or met any of the teachers or parents - my husband and my older daughter alternatively take her home from school. She can't even invite her friends over because I am like this - always half alive, I felt embarrassed to talk about my problem down there and avoided neighbors and occasional parent that would come to pick-up my daughter for day out. I can only imagine what they think and talk because they never met me. My daughter told everybody that Mom has some "intestinal" problems . Now, my fissure is well but I am so much in pain, can't turn my head -so can't drive still. because of the pain I am not in a mood for chit-chat with strangers and so the pattern continues. I often cry thinking of the future - remembering all fun stuff I did with my older one when she was her age and wondering how is my younger one to remember me as a completely different person. Would I be able to ever go shopping with her for her prom dress one day, make her hair for High School dances, make lavish dinners for Holidays , invite people . I look at my garden dying lace where I spent hours and hours "painting with flowers", each picked by hand and nursed with love until magnificent spring show would appear and make others slow down and look and take a deep breath in. Some would just gaze , some would take pictures , it made me so happy to see that my work make others happy for a moment too. Now weeds are sprouting and my perennials call me with their sad heads to prune them and mulch, put them to sleep through rough winter. I refuse to hire help because it would show my official acceptance of defeat ...
No, I don't have anybody who has any serious condition around me, so nobody can fathom my despair except my husband, my sister and my kids. As you said for yourself, I also do not look sick at all, so people probably assume that I am getting insane or something or that I am just spoiled to death and can't stand a "little discomfort". No matter how many times I tried to explain pain of a fissure they NEVER got it. All comments would be like " well than just fix it". When I would explain that it is not easy to find good CRS and that you need to have it at least 6 weeks for anybody to even conceder it chronic they would just stare at me. First they all were saying oh no - don't do surgery, no way, try to avoid it at any cost, than now they all say - oh , you see, you should get it done long ago - end so forth - you just give up explaining than. Fibro is even harder for people "to get" - all comments are like - "oh well, my neck hurts too sometimes, but I do stuff", or, "well, you really should start going out or you will go nuts, you now"...well thanks : (.
You are absolutely right - people do get tiered hearing about once bad health and I also think subconsciously are afraid to stay around so it "wont rub off" or something. And yes, it is also easier for them to blame us for our illness because if there is no reason than it can also happen to them and it scares them. So, we have this because we either want it, or deserve it in some way.
Thank you my dear friend for sharing your thoughts with me. You see, sometimes people miles away are closer to us than our neighbors. When I talk to you and other great people here I can feel your presence in my heart - and that is a plenty ........
L U :arwen:

I am sending you my love. This can be very frustrating at times. I think we should all become fissure specialists. What's the point of going to school to become a CRS if you don't know jack about bum issues. Sheesh. Well, God Bless you big sis and I hope your pain is relieved because you truly have relieved pain for a lot of us here. xx

Hi Sunshine! I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing! I have missed you but I will take it as a good sign that you haven't been here much though and you are better.

I know what you mean Fiss. I think there are some people who probably think I am spoiled. That I send a babysitter to pick up my kids because I don't want to. I picked up my youngest from school and one of her teacher's didn't even know who I was, that maybe I was a new babysitter or something.

It is hard on my husband because he often has to come home or take me to appointments all the while not being albe to fully discuss the problem.

I so feel for you. I can feel your pain and sadness through your words. I know how you feel about your children. It is distressing to see their lives being affecting by our health. But I know that my kids know that I love them so much and I think that is what will count. And I know your daughters know how much you love them too. You are a very loving person. We need to figure out how to get you relief. I do think you will be helped by the therapist and maybe trying out the Elavil too. You have options so please don't give up hope that you will be back in your garden and enjoying life again. You have had good periods and you will be back there again. You really will.

Lecia,
Oh my god I just read this thread. I am so sorry. I wish I could send you to my CRS in Rochester. You can have my next shot of Botox. Please hang in there. I know you have way more pain happening then I even thought of. I had bleeding right after my second shot that first week but I have not had any since before Thanksgiving. I just keep telling myself to relax and stay with my routine. I am even skipping all the holiday food sweets and treats because I don't need it if it is going to cause misery. Let me know if I can do something. My thoughts are with you and I want to send *******ONE BIG HUG*****
Take Care
Patty
:snn:

Thanks Patty, I appreciate your warm thoughts and hugs. I could use a few. My mother in law is flying out to help me this week, thank goodness. I just need to try not to move too much to reduce the amount of friction in my bottom so this burn can heal.

I think once my period is over I will feel better too. It just adds to the pain. I have been in the valley before and will get out. You're such a sweetie.

I am so glad that you are doing better. I remember the days when you were down and wondering if you would ever feel normal again. You had some rough weeks, didn't you? I am so happy that you are doing better!!!!

Thanks for checking in, Patty.

Lecia,
You are welcome. You guys were here for me so I will do my best to help out when I can. I agree the period does make a big difference. I had mine right after my second Botox shot. It was a little more painful that week. I don't have the hemmie problems like some of you but I do have the pain once in awhile. I won't be satisfied untill the CRS says it is fully healed. I go to my CRS Dec 27th. I had to cancel my last appt due to the snowy weather. Remember I live in Upstate NY between Rochester and Syracuse. Yippie. My dad hired a guy to blow our drive way so I did not have to get out there with the snow blower. Thank God but I will try the best I can when I am feeling good to help dig out on those bad days. Lecia keep your chin up and I love all you guys....
I want all of us to have a pain free Christmas.
Take care,
Patty
:snoopys:

I wish we could have a little snow here in the Carolinas! Geez Louise, it is in the 70s.

My husband interviewed for a job in Troy, NY a few years ago. Is that close to you?

I think after next week I should be pretty baseline here I hope! I did manage to make some Christmas cookies with the girls today. I just took some pain meds and did it. They had been asking all weekend. It helped to take my mind off of it.

Can't wait until the doctor says there is no more fissure. I am proud of how you got the botox even though I know it was a little scary. Now you are an old pro!

Fissulyna, you sound so sad and despondant, my heart goes out to you. Dealing with a fissure is bad enough but with other debilitating health conditions it must be extremely hard. Never give up,hope is always there, and as Lecia once said to me, tomorrow could be the day that God decides to release you from the pain. There must be someone you could see who is an expert who could help? Its so sad to hear everyone suffering and not be able to physically help.
Lecia, I feel so sorry for you too. Are you any better? I know what you mean about your children suffering. I took my son out of school to home educate him in march, and then was laid up with this fissure since june. I feel a burden to my husband, and feel like a useless mother, even though I do everything I can, even when I'm suffering. I truly understand how difficult it is to make time for the kids, when all you want to do is sleep and make the pain go away.
I hope you can start to fel normal again very soon. Everything heals with time, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks Val, I know you understand.
How are you doing? How is the abcess? What is your pain level like? I wish I could live in the bathtub!!! I know you have your hands full. Don't discount the contribution you make to your family. Even though physically you may not be able to do as much, you keep things going with your planning, scheduling, organizing and love and support. You are very special to your family and a great mom!


Fiss, I wanted to mention I know how it is with relationships. I think people find me aloof but they don't understand the pain and effort it takes just to keep my family sane. I can hardly make small talk sometimes.

Yes, you never know when your breakthrough may arrive so you have to hold on. I hope your appointment goes well today. If it isn't too hard to get there I think you should try to go as often as you need to. I wish my OT lived closer. I would be in there everyday.

:sprinkleheart:

I wish I could live in the tub too! But I'm actually wondering if I was to blame for this abcess, because looking back, the only thing I did differently was to use scented soap and bubble bath again, when I had only been using epsom salts or savlon, and unperfumed soap. I just thought I'd mention it in case that was a factor, and it could help someone else not to get one. They are EVIL!Fissure spasms are worse, but the pain of the abcess is worse than the fissure(well, my one anyway!)It also bleeds for no reason sometimes which is pretty freaky.Its started itching though, so I'm hopeful it may go away. I've got an appointment with the CRS tommorrow night, but I'm just hoping he's clued up on all this because I'm rapidly losing faith in so-called "health proffessionals". The other day my husband was prescribed antibiotics which shouldn't be taken with a liver condition, and now he's really ill with jaundice, and then his GP tried to take fluid off his knee and my husband was in so much pain he asked him to stop, but he didn't. Then my husband passed out and stopped breathing. They had to resussitate him and call out the paramedics and an ambulance!I don't think these people should be doctors. And look what they did to you! Its all wrong!
Anyway, get well soon!