So sorry you have that terrible pain Juney, it's so discouraging that this happens after a better period. Have you tried Xylocain during BM?
Corsica

I hate your pain

corsi - i have lidocaine from surgery but don't want to just mask the pain and then reinjure it more. i'm afraid that's what would happen.
tabby - i hate this pain too more than anything :(
lately i've been having a swollen feeling in the anus , or maybe just outside. i can't tell if it's the skin tag outside or something actually inside. it feels like there's a golf-ball in my a** pretty much. it doesn't hurt more or anything, just a sensation i've been feeling since i re-ripped it 3 weeks ago.
i'm trying the Anurex thing i bought online twice a day now. it's a cold stick you put up in the anal canal for 6-8 minutes. it feels good but i don't now if it's helping or hurting cuz it feels the same after. i'm also taking baths twice a day so i don't know if hot or cold is best or if i should be doing both.
i'm back to square one, with the skin tag and the ripping pain and the bleeding and it's really disheartening. i'm so depressed and hopeless again. i'm turning 27 this year and i've been dealing with this since i was 23. i'm stuck in this self-pity right now and i know it could be worse but this is my life and i really hate it.

:( Ah Juney : (((, I am really sorry to hear all of that. I do not know how much cold would be helpful- I know it shrinks veins definitely and as that would be more helpful with swollen hemorrhoids and not the fissure . Fissure needs good blood circulation and I would rather you have warm and long baths in Epsom salt and wash your anus with chamomile to calm everything down and use the cream I suggested ( one that is "home-made").Also, pushing in any foreign hard object is a no-no with a fissure : (. Skin-tag only confirms that you have brand new fissure :( :( . It is just so frustrating , I can imagine how down you feel . You have every right to feel self-pity but just never give up !!!!! Can you find new CRS to hear what he/she thinks ??? I had to see 5 until I found one who knew what to do . And if he did not solve my problem I would still be searching!!!! You see how Kerr had anal flap done !?! There are many options you did not try still . I know that you are sick of doctors and surgeries but you have to be more proactive , dear Juney. Doctors , unfortunately, are not all same in competence. Remember one that told you all was fine with your discharge and than many months later another told you that you had mini-fistula (infection ) !!!! You were actually VERY lucky that that "mini fistula" did not become real one or abscess . You HAVE to push for answers and find a competent CRS !!! If you gave up on traditional doctors - than try alternative ! Even there you will have to try about 100 things until you find what helps , but still, something might help. Have you ever visited herbalist ? Or Homeopath ???
Take care Juney and never EVER :nevergive:

Fissy's right Juney, you cant give up and you have to keep trying to find a really good surgeon who knows what he's talking about and has some good advice on what to do to help. You've been through this so many times, you know the drill to heal it!
I think i know what you mean by the golf ball feeling - mine does that every times it rips - it feels like a big swelling - well, thats probably what it is, i suppose!
It will get better. Have faith - stressing about it isnt helping , stress is bad for fissures!
Hope it heals up soon.

juney wrote: i'm so depressed and hopeless again. i'm turning 27 this year and i've been dealing with this since i was 23. i'm stuck in this self-pity right now and i know it could be worse but this is my life and i really hate it.

very understandable Juney
This is too much, but as Fissy and Val say - don't give up!
Corsica

Like Val says, stress is very bad for fissures. Could you make an appointment to talk with a therapist--psychiatrist or psychologist. Maybe that might help also. I think the mind/body/spirit connection is really important. Possibly meditation and/or prayer would be a benefit for you. Nothing is worse than constant butt pain--I totally agree.

i have an appointment for acupuncture tonight. i'm hoping this will help with the stress and tension at least. i've also been reading books on spirituality and meditation and have been trying to meditate in the bath twice a day, just focusing on breathing and trying to stay positive. i pray all the time, every time i find myself panicking i try to take some breaths and calm down but it's so hard. i just don't see the point to having to talk myself into wanting to be alive every minute. it's too hard.
i'm scared to see a new CRS. i won't have another surgery. the last surgery wrecked me and i spent 4 months unable to function physically or mentally and i never want to go thru that again. not to mention i just got a new job at a small company and couldn't miss the amount of time needed to recover from a 4th surgery. i would lose my job without a doubt. only 7 people work here.
there has to be a way to fix this without surgery, it's never helped me anyway only caused more problems. i'll try to be patient. i have an appt w/ my old surgeon on the 31st so maybe he can tell me what's going on inside.
val - you're on the waiting list for another surgery right? do they say that's your only option at this point?
i'm trying to hang in there but i feel like it's so pointless. nothing changes and the more in control i try to be the more out of my control it gets. i don't want to live like this.

I'm the same - there's no way I'm having that surgery unless I absolutely have to! Yes I'm on the waiting list - sort of anyway! I was supposed to have the op in october but I had my neck operation and now I seem to be "lost in the system" somewhere - thank goodness!!
You cant give up - its only so depressing because you've ripped it again, but it will heal over again - our bodies are built to heal themselves. Your butt wants to get better, honest!! Think back to when you felt better and hold those thoughts!
Hope the accupuncture helps!

Juney -
Maybe you can contact Buttgirl and ask her the name of her CRS. She told me he was the best CRS in Southern Cal. This does not mean you will have another surgery by any means, just some "new eyes" and opinions on your situation.
Jen