I had been feeling really down and out for the past few days. I felt very rundown (thought it was work..but I think it was the fistula). I think maybe my setons weren't draining properly and infection/pus was getting backed up causing me to feel "off"? That of course turned into asking myself "why me". Once upon a time (over 4 years ago) I had a wonderful life - always out and about, very social, loved to travel and even a decent sex life! I find every few days I get totally down in the dumps. I no longer go out with friends, even going to a nice dinner is a task for me - I'm packing my purse with gauze and wipes, I never wear light colored clothes just in case I have an "accident" in public, I don't even own feminine pretty underwear anymore. I don't let people into my bedroom at home in case they see my sitz bath in my bathroom! No one other than my husband and mom know what exactly I've been dealing with. I try to talk to my husband about it but it usually ends up in an argument (thanks to my personal issues) - I hate that I don't even feel like a woman anymore?! I love this site - the one place I can come and talk about this without feeling judged. It's been a great support system. However, I've avoided it for a few months as I found I was getting pretty obsessed with my situation. Anyway, now that I've been scheduled for my third surgery I'm back for some support :)
I've had two surgeries to date - Oct 2012, March 2013 - and just got booked for my third surgery on Aug 15th. Most people would probably be dreading it but I'm looking forward to it.... I'm hoping it'll be one step closer to healing. I currently have two setons in place, I've been booked for another EUA. The surgeon has mentioned she will most likely take out one seton and lay that tract open. I do know that I'll need a 4th surgery to deal with the remaining tract that goes through muscle. I just want this over and done with - I want my life back! I don't even remember what that is like.. I want to be able to leave home without gauze and wipes, I want to travel without packing what looks like a drugstore in my suitcase - I just want to feel normal again.  
In exchange for letting me rant on here - if anyone has any questions about fistulotomies, setons, abcesses - please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I've been through surgery twice so I know what to expect at this point, all the dos and don'ts and how to prepare.

Diamond
don't be sad we all r here to support u. Once you get this surgery i am pretty sure u will be on ur way to recovering.
Yes we will get back to normal we r here
please keep log gin
kathy

Thanks Kathy :) I would love to see the end of this ordeal!

awwwwh diamond im so sorry u have been through so much and for such a long time. just keep looking ahead to your surgery we will all be thinking and praying for you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you puzzledbutt :) I didn't mean to go on a rant - but sometimes it's good to speak your mind :) I feel SO much better now, and I'm trying to stay positive - I really do have faith that 2014 will be a good year. I'm hoping that the surgeon will book me in for the LIFT surgery (final surgery hopefully) by the end of the year.

u post all u want until your wee heart feels content we all do it and all our lovely buddies on here are just to happy to chat to us and make us feel so much better. im really happy u r feeling a bit better, this will b your year our diamond!! all my love and healing to u pet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Grrrrrrrrrr! I spent ages typing you a message Diamond and I just lost the whole lot.......
I just wanted to say that I remembered you and I'm so sorry to read of your ongoing challenge with your fistulae BUT you are right, once that one seton is out, the fistulomy is done, you have taken another step of the stages needed to reach full healing! Keep up that faith that 2014 will be a much better year for you........it's the only way to go.
Life won't always be like this and one day you'll no longer have all that nasty stuff going on or be having to take your drug store out with you either! Just relish those days that you will be able to go out without a care in the world, wear pretty feminine clothes & underwear again - You'll be feeling a whole new person!! You WILL get there!!!!
Come here and rant all you need to in the meantime. You know that you will always have at least one friend here at anytime to support you through.
I also suggested you might try and channel your negative thoughts into something new? A totally new, absorbing & distracting hobby maybe??? You could write a book based on your experiences! I'm sure you'd help hundreds of people needing advice on the stuff you've been through!
Keep fighting! & stay strong. You'll get there in the end I know you will!! Take care & come back here if you start feeling low :) 

ETO!!! I noticed that you're still active on the forum which is great :)
I do hate when you type a huge message or post and then it disappears into cyber space!
The issue is I never have time for a hobby :) Work keeps me way too busy - so when I do have free time I'm either doing chores or watching mindless tv! Another thing I have been doing is going to the gym quite a bit and on days that I'm not up for "active" exercise I do yoga.. I do find that yoga helps with my sanity levels! Although some poses are very hard to do as we all know it's not exactly easy to sit up right given these pain in the a** issues! I'm sure my instructors think I have awful posture some days .. but oh well! I have considered writing a blog - maybe that's what I should do during my next surgery recovery period? I really like coming on here though because it's always a conversation with others who have been through this or are going through this. I do agree with finding a new hobby though.. I'll have to give that some thought!
Thank you all for your wishes :) I'm sure you'll hear more rants from me in the coming weeks - I just wish my surgery date would arrive already!

Just an update - I'm gearing up for surgery #3 now - 4 more sleeps.
It came by so quickly... I don't seem super scared just yet. Today I went to the drug store - bought lots of seasalt for my sitz baths, extra gauze and a donut ring. Has anyone else used one of those donut rings? I am wondering if part of my issue has been that I sit for extended hours and of course cause pressure to my fistula area...I sometimes work for 12 hours at my computer with no breaks! Figured the donut ring can't hurt - only help. I technically have to start working during week #2 post surgery - I don't know why doctors seem to think of fistula surgery as minor .. and they always seem to think you're okay to go back to work within a week?! My job is super stressful ..so at this point if it comes to it maybe I should even request stress leave from my GP? Does anyone have experience with this?? Just living and dealing with these issues is stressful enough without the additional stress!

hello diamond 
wishing you all the very best for tne 15 'hope this part of our lives is comming to a close'wishing is gets only better now '
i know a little of how you feel being there my self '
hve had fissure ,abcess ,fistula through muscle'ect .
'i had # soft donut cussion 'loved it 'but you get to comfy and when i went to car seat it was strange for a while'so hard'
it is hard to stay positive when things are painfull 
i am so looking forward to seeing a top crs in london on thursday 'getting arnswers and hopfully he can tell me whats happining '
im not to bad 'get an ach now and then after a bm 'and a little sore'
all the best  
heres to great healing 
health and appiness